a way we once were

I bring upon myself a different level of indifference. I move towards a different beat from the average man. I have a friend that follows me around and feels for me in the times that I fall on my face. His way of showing he cares is by pointing and laughing. He won't offer a hand to help. I have come to the realization in my life I am alone in the choices I make. I don't have a person to help with the most important aspects of life. I bring a different ryhme and reason for the insanity that folows me so closely. I bring forward a fast pick of faith on the emotion from the diffent aspects of twisted sorrows to bring you a level of substance misunderstood by the perspective of a witch hunt on the basic levels of emotions for which I have no control over. I think of reasons to move forward and to care for different things that should matter to the most feable of minds. I don't understand the misunderstood souls of so many that don't understand what it means to have what it takes to move forward. I realize that I don't know if i want to help these people in my life. I move with different feeligns of guilt and feelings of not knowing if it makes sense to move with these feelings. What are feelings are they real? The sinking feeling in your chest is a real feeling or is it just a mind blowing event that really is a figment of your imagination. You write a letter pouring you heart and sould and the feeling is there. You wonder how much of the basic decisions in life are based on a false emotion that leads you to believe that you will once again be the man in the black hat for one day. You will be that guy you alwasy wanted to be. The soul of life that brings forth the angst and ambition of many people. You move towards a feeling in your mind. it fades and dies like a light extinguished ever so carelessly. I pity you for feeling this way. I am on a tangent. its a line so thin and narrow that I'm not sure I will make it across. its a sanctimonious event brought upone by insecurites of a past fallout with a friend. you told him no and said you wouldn't speak to him again. False pretenses brought forward with the realization that you couldn't figure out that it was a game lost to the man in the black hat. I can't move forward. I don't have the feeling. Its gone...

all around me are familiar faces worn out places

bright and early i move into the shadows and free fall to a place that I remember. I move with no worry and no care. I come to a complete stop and not realize that I was in another mode that really didn't let me the person that I wanted to be. I bring a long of sense of understanding that will not bring five of the people I have lost back to me. It takes a man to admit mistakes. When you realize you have not made a mistake and you are still brought to a sense of misery brought by a thing that is supposed to make you happy you wonder why should this be a lesson taught to me. I look forward through the crystal clear wonders of a man with a vision in his head. I find it hard to tell myself that everything will be all right. I find the symbol that belongs in the spot missing on the shelf. I bring a sense of urgency to the morbid few around me. I take what I know best and I digress. I move with an understanding that yes that feeling that eluded me a few moments ago will come back. I know that understanding look that has given me the reason to live will be there. The water that was shown was that of complete misunderstanding. I know that I will have the time that was meant to be strewn throughout the fall. I move with pride not with prejudice that I have built a monument for the fallen. I will move forward without the angst of understanding. I say I move.. I say I will. I will only come to these things if you come with me. I need this. I don't need the man in the black hat. I don't need him. You know who you are. You know this. I move in a uneven path with not a feeling of doubt anymore. I feel vindicated. There are a lot of eyes looking at me. I feel that this is the moment. Great realizations bring upon great discoveries that have changed many things. I will not be brought down. Out of the corner of my eye I see the man in the black hat looking at me with a scared look. He realizes that he doesn't have me where he wants me. His list has dwindled and the price I pay for the admission to the defeat of the man in the black hat is worth its weight in gold. I move on with the knowledge I will not be forgotten. I laugh nervously. I exude confidence. The man in the black hat can take the path I resist to take. I will not take the beaten path. I will forge my own.

Insincerity at its finest

The man in the black hat peeks out his window and looks at me with a mischievous grin. He knows that he has me right where he wants me, enveloped in the darkness of loneliness. His ploy has worked he has made this a charade for the weak. Its brought about the side of me that I tried to put away. It was a character flaw of a winded buffoon. It was a show of deception and a lesson on perception. It brought a new weakness to my knees. It brought a sense of anguish not felt in a lifetime. I threw the first object I could at him. It hit the wall and shattered into pieces on the floor. I realized right then I threw the object that meant most to me. It was over. I dug myself in and felt the dark envelop me. It was a hopeless fight to save face to the man in the black hat. He has planned this all along. I was number one on his list. He likes the fact that I am completely alone. He thinks that this will be the perfect time to make his move on me. Sensing weakness he believes that victory is his. I don't know what to tell him. I fall back against the wall and slide to the ground covering my face as not to see the pained expression on my face. I move slowly shuffling ever so carefully to the door trying not to make him happier then he already is. He moves over to the door and slams it shuts the noise reverberates throughout the entire room. I wince in pain as feeling completely envelops me. I am numb to feeling and to my surroundings. I take the easy route and feign sleep. I feel his shadow over me and the smile he has on his face. I hear the sounds of his footsteps walk over by me. I hear a rustle of papers and the sound of a pen leaving its indelible strokes on a piece of paper. Suddenly I hear the crumbling and something hits me upside my head. The swift sounds of footsteps walking away and the door slams shut yet again. I open my eyes and find the piece of paper next to me. I carefully open it up being careful not to tear the edges. It was written on a old menu from my favorite restaurant. In large black letters written in all capital letters and in the ugliest handwriting reminiscent of mine were the words. "Welcome back my friend" My heart dropped and me knees buckled. I thought I was past this I said to myself. I walked to my door and locked it, carefully checking to make sure I did this right. I didn't want him to revisit me. I looked around at my empty house and looked in the mirror at myself and shook off the feeling that was creeping in. I can't let it happen again.