I have gorwn tired and steady. My armour has been built over many years. It has stiffened and toughned through the many lessons I have learned in my life. The different experiences that upsand the downs. I can't say its been a priveleged upbringing or an easy one. I have managed this life being alone the marjority of my life. Lots of self reflection lots of lonely nights. Its a path I myself decided to take. I had opportunity I had chances. Its just the way I am programmed. I shy away from the things normal people do. I cannot say I'm a normal person. Hence this large piece of bulky armour I decide to wear on a daily basis. It protects me from others and myself. A solid wall built up and thick as can be. Its not easy to penetrate this wall. Fear of getting hurt is the biggest reason this wall is so thick. My armour so heavy. Well now there is a force penetrating this armour of mine. Its so hard to admit but there is a chip in the armour. A kink in the system. The wall is crumbling down and allowing the strong to be weak. I'm not a man. I'm a child. Words are hurting me becuase they come from a source I would least expect. I am alone in this world with no one to talk to. no one to confide in. I'm slowly deleting the people in my life. Withdrawling from this world. I have no where to go. I have been told the to meanest things I have ever been told to me and it hurts. I am confused, angry and at a loss of what to do. Reading these words over and over only reaffirms the wall and how I should reinforce it and not let in anymore. Live this life alone and fear the consequences of that life. Its painful to say. I don't want to think it. I sit here typing away these words and it does little to console the sadness inside of me. The man in the black hat is probably in another room laughing his ass off. He realizes that he is definitely winning the war. He won the battle and now the war. You always hear the question do you have suicidal thoughts. How bad do those thoughts have to be for them to really be considered that. You imagine doing the deed. How much easier this life would be. Things will go on. People will move on with this life and not think about anything. You are a number in society. You are nothing even the most famous and smartest people will pass and the next person will step up and take the place. You are only there for a person to use. If you are no longer useful in someones life they pass you by. Confusion is now setting in. Darkness enveloping this bright world. Life is going to hell in a handbasket. The world is miserable. Life is miserable at least for me right now. The man in the blackhat rears his ugly face on days like this. This is where he really enjoys rubbing it in my face. Destiny is for us to conquer. For us to sit in front of a mirror and declare how great we are. The mirror reflects back what we want to see. The armour is placed on our faces, look into the eyes and you will see how weak the armour really is. The life sucked out of a soul. This is just a futile attempt to make one happy. Maybe a quick way to type a few keystrokes and hope that life improves or the world smiles upon oneself and makes you glow. Reading those lines will only build up the armour and make everything worse. It will push more people away. It will stop the misery but it will fortify the pain. Its the easy way out. What is the plan. Make the armour thick as can be. Ignore the pain and words. Should i keep reading the words should I confront the source and indicate the pain that they have caused and will Love conquer the pain. The armour has a kink. Its failing me. I must not have taken care of it. I thought I built it up. I must have to take care of it. Its difficult I yell to the man in the black hat. I did not choose this path. He says bullshit. you knew. You took the easy safe route. How does it feel. "Terrible" I replied. "I have a kink in my armour" I laid down my head and cried....
