A kink in my armour

I have gorwn tired and steady. My armour has been built over many years. It has stiffened and toughned through the many lessons I have learned in my life. The different experiences that upsand the downs. I can't say its been a priveleged upbringing or an easy one. I have managed this life being alone the marjority of my life. Lots of self reflection lots of lonely nights. Its a path I myself decided to take. I had opportunity I had chances. Its just the way I am programmed. I shy away from the things normal people do. I cannot say I'm a normal person. Hence this large piece of bulky armour I decide to wear on a daily basis. It protects me from others and myself. A solid wall built up and thick as can be. Its not easy to penetrate this wall. Fear of getting hurt is the biggest reason this wall is so thick. My armour so heavy. Well now there is a force penetrating this armour of mine. Its so hard to admit but there is a chip in the armour. A kink in the system. The wall is crumbling down and allowing the strong to be weak. I'm not a man. I'm a child. Words are hurting me becuase they come from a source I would least expect. I am alone in this world with no one to talk to. no one to confide in. I'm slowly deleting the people in my life. Withdrawling from this world. I have no where to go. I have been told the to meanest things I have ever been told to me and it hurts. I am confused, angry and at a loss of what to do. Reading these words over and over only reaffirms the wall and how I should reinforce it and not let in anymore. Live this life alone and fear the consequences of that life. Its painful to say. I don't want to think it. I sit here typing away these words and it does little to console the sadness inside of me. The man in the black hat is probably in another room laughing his ass off. He realizes that he is definitely winning the war. He won the battle and now the war. You always hear the question do you have suicidal thoughts. How bad do those thoughts have to be for them to really be considered that. You imagine doing the deed. How much easier this life would be. Things will go on. People will move on with this life and not think about anything. You are a number in society. You are nothing even the most famous and smartest people will pass and the next person will step up and take the place. You are only there for a person to use. If you are no longer useful in someones life they pass you by. Confusion is now setting in. Darkness enveloping this bright world. Life is going to hell in a handbasket. The world is miserable. Life is miserable at least for me right now. The man in the blackhat rears his ugly face on days like this. This is where he really enjoys rubbing it in my face. Destiny is for us to conquer. For us to sit in front of a mirror and declare how great we are. The mirror reflects back what we want to see. The armour is placed on our faces, look into the eyes and you will see how weak the armour really is. The life sucked out of a soul. This is just a futile attempt to make one happy. Maybe a quick way to type a few keystrokes and hope that life improves or the world smiles upon oneself and makes you glow. Reading those lines will only build up the armour and make everything worse. It will push more people away. It will stop the misery but it will fortify the pain. Its the easy way out. What is the plan. Make the armour thick as can be. Ignore the pain and words. Should i keep reading the words should I confront the source and indicate the pain that they have caused and will Love conquer the pain. The armour has a kink. Its failing me. I must not have taken care of it. I thought I built it up. I must have to take care of it. Its difficult I yell to the man in the black hat. I did not choose this path. He says bullshit. you knew. You took the easy safe route. How does it feel. "Terrible" I replied. "I have a kink in my armour" I laid down my head and cried....

You give a damn

It moves at a snails pace and brings forth a motion of grandeur brought upon with a vehement regression of unspecified emotions that can't bring the man in the black hat down. It is the pace of struggle that can't be brought through to the unsympathetic ears of the suited men wanting to bring a torrent of pain upon the person. It is unrealistic to believe that one can fight so hard and win this battle. I don't know why I try to care about this. It is such a statement of intent to wean oneself off of this parade. I hope that it helps that I sit here with a blank look on my face and just here the muted grasps of pompous arrogance. It pains me to believe that choices will be made by the few ignorant voices of many misconstrued ideals thinking that they have the decisions that is for the betterment of others. Its sad to beleive that one believes one can make a change in this jumble of madness. You enter with good intentions and get hit by a wall of stalement that would drive a chessmaster mad. It goes on and on in an endless drivel of rhetoric and open ended speak of unimportance that makes a person's feeling self worth increase exponentially. The man in the black hat laughs towards the direction of these few. He sits with smile from ear to ear with a baseball bat tucked behind his back waiting for the oppportune moment to strike these idiots withe such force as to dislodge their eyes out of their sockets. He would pick up these little orbs of flesh and play a round of beirut with them. These dreams bring him to a feeling of hapiness and delight. This feeling drives him every day to push through the drudgery and ineptitude that this group brings forth. This is the day we celebrate. Welcome everyone to apathy.

Music To My Ears

As the music pumps through the speakers in my ears I think of things that have been going on in this world and bring myself to the rhythms of joyful happiness that exists in life today as I move through the day to day transgressions of a individual blessed with a morbid obsession of the inanimate. I wonder quietly what brings me to move through these days. The endless toiling of grilled cheese sandwiches brought to friends who would rather face the endless ridicule from step fathers then stepmothers. I move through the hall of this house. The walls painted a peach blue with a indifference that can be seen by the whimsical features of a brunette soap dispenser. I could see myself opening a door into the netherworld with a fist pump and a shout out to the other side. Looking forlorn and whimsical and thinking they really have a clue when it comes to coming up with complicated features that compliment the atheist tea avenger.
I listen to the night chime into the inert voice of the stranger next to me. I take the time to really look at his face. The weather has done no justice to this man. I notice the crows feet, the laugh lines and the sun spots predominately telling everyone this man has seen life more then once. I think to myself what has this poor soul seen or even heard. Life wears on the most resilient of souls. It is a cruel mistress that stresses even the most strong and profound souls willing to fight and stand up for the front that is thrown at them. I still marvel at what time has done to this poor man. I see the longing in his eyes for a better tomorrow. The wisdom that has been given to this man which is unfortunately in the wrong hands. Its the secret to life and no one has a clue as he is passed over everyday without at least a glimpse or a afterthought to giving credence to a man with the world in his pocket. I think to myself how can I sell this to everyone; to open their eyes to this revelation and you just don't know what you can be in this life. I know I would like to be someone. Are you someone?

a way we once were

I bring upon myself a different level of indifference. I move towards a different beat from the average man. I have a friend that follows me around and feels for me in the times that I fall on my face. His way of showing he cares is by pointing and laughing. He won't offer a hand to help. I have come to the realization in my life I am alone in the choices I make. I don't have a person to help with the most important aspects of life. I bring a different ryhme and reason for the insanity that folows me so closely. I bring forward a fast pick of faith on the emotion from the diffent aspects of twisted sorrows to bring you a level of substance misunderstood by the perspective of a witch hunt on the basic levels of emotions for which I have no control over. I think of reasons to move forward and to care for different things that should matter to the most feable of minds. I don't understand the misunderstood souls of so many that don't understand what it means to have what it takes to move forward. I realize that I don't know if i want to help these people in my life. I move with different feeligns of guilt and feelings of not knowing if it makes sense to move with these feelings. What are feelings are they real? The sinking feeling in your chest is a real feeling or is it just a mind blowing event that really is a figment of your imagination. You write a letter pouring you heart and sould and the feeling is there. You wonder how much of the basic decisions in life are based on a false emotion that leads you to believe that you will once again be the man in the black hat for one day. You will be that guy you alwasy wanted to be. The soul of life that brings forth the angst and ambition of many people. You move towards a feeling in your mind. it fades and dies like a light extinguished ever so carelessly. I pity you for feeling this way. I am on a tangent. its a line so thin and narrow that I'm not sure I will make it across. its a sanctimonious event brought upone by insecurites of a past fallout with a friend. you told him no and said you wouldn't speak to him again. False pretenses brought forward with the realization that you couldn't figure out that it was a game lost to the man in the black hat. I can't move forward. I don't have the feeling. Its gone...

all around me are familiar faces worn out places

bright and early i move into the shadows and free fall to a place that I remember. I move with no worry and no care. I come to a complete stop and not realize that I was in another mode that really didn't let me the person that I wanted to be. I bring a long of sense of understanding that will not bring five of the people I have lost back to me. It takes a man to admit mistakes. When you realize you have not made a mistake and you are still brought to a sense of misery brought by a thing that is supposed to make you happy you wonder why should this be a lesson taught to me. I look forward through the crystal clear wonders of a man with a vision in his head. I find it hard to tell myself that everything will be all right. I find the symbol that belongs in the spot missing on the shelf. I bring a sense of urgency to the morbid few around me. I take what I know best and I digress. I move with an understanding that yes that feeling that eluded me a few moments ago will come back. I know that understanding look that has given me the reason to live will be there. The water that was shown was that of complete misunderstanding. I know that I will have the time that was meant to be strewn throughout the fall. I move with pride not with prejudice that I have built a monument for the fallen. I will move forward without the angst of understanding. I say I move.. I say I will. I will only come to these things if you come with me. I need this. I don't need the man in the black hat. I don't need him. You know who you are. You know this. I move in a uneven path with not a feeling of doubt anymore. I feel vindicated. There are a lot of eyes looking at me. I feel that this is the moment. Great realizations bring upon great discoveries that have changed many things. I will not be brought down. Out of the corner of my eye I see the man in the black hat looking at me with a scared look. He realizes that he doesn't have me where he wants me. His list has dwindled and the price I pay for the admission to the defeat of the man in the black hat is worth its weight in gold. I move on with the knowledge I will not be forgotten. I laugh nervously. I exude confidence. The man in the black hat can take the path I resist to take. I will not take the beaten path. I will forge my own.

Insincerity at its finest

The man in the black hat peeks out his window and looks at me with a mischievous grin. He knows that he has me right where he wants me, enveloped in the darkness of loneliness. His ploy has worked he has made this a charade for the weak. Its brought about the side of me that I tried to put away. It was a character flaw of a winded buffoon. It was a show of deception and a lesson on perception. It brought a new weakness to my knees. It brought a sense of anguish not felt in a lifetime. I threw the first object I could at him. It hit the wall and shattered into pieces on the floor. I realized right then I threw the object that meant most to me. It was over. I dug myself in and felt the dark envelop me. It was a hopeless fight to save face to the man in the black hat. He has planned this all along. I was number one on his list. He likes the fact that I am completely alone. He thinks that this will be the perfect time to make his move on me. Sensing weakness he believes that victory is his. I don't know what to tell him. I fall back against the wall and slide to the ground covering my face as not to see the pained expression on my face. I move slowly shuffling ever so carefully to the door trying not to make him happier then he already is. He moves over to the door and slams it shuts the noise reverberates throughout the entire room. I wince in pain as feeling completely envelops me. I am numb to feeling and to my surroundings. I take the easy route and feign sleep. I feel his shadow over me and the smile he has on his face. I hear the sounds of his footsteps walk over by me. I hear a rustle of papers and the sound of a pen leaving its indelible strokes on a piece of paper. Suddenly I hear the crumbling and something hits me upside my head. The swift sounds of footsteps walking away and the door slams shut yet again. I open my eyes and find the piece of paper next to me. I carefully open it up being careful not to tear the edges. It was written on a old menu from my favorite restaurant. In large black letters written in all capital letters and in the ugliest handwriting reminiscent of mine were the words. "Welcome back my friend" My heart dropped and me knees buckled. I thought I was past this I said to myself. I walked to my door and locked it, carefully checking to make sure I did this right. I didn't want him to revisit me. I looked around at my empty house and looked in the mirror at myself and shook off the feeling that was creeping in. I can't let it happen again.

A misconception of understanding

I look forward to the times that will become a gainful bliss emotionally and stagnantly. It makes me laugh and wonder if all that we come forth to appreciate is appreciated. with a base lump of unimaginable understanding fraught with pennies of bliss. I think I have come to the conclusion that so many people don't understand me. I don't understand myself. Its a rhyme less rhythm of mistakes and manageable faux pas that bring me to the realization that I don't have a clue really what I want. It comes from a hamsters mind that I not trust the wheel that I so have be come used to being part of my routine. I think of sorrows that i Laugh and spin in an interlude of mixed feelings that stain the fabric of my mind. I bring a laugh to some but to many I bring tears. I don't know if this was the reason for my bringing candles to a shower. I think the light would have brought my gloomy view to light with not so much as a voice of reason to turn around the uneasiness of longing. I don't think i truly understand the insatiable appetite of destruction. It feels good to bring down the walls that have surrounded my thoughts. I really wish I had the sledgehammer when the walls were in my way. I pushed through the caverns of darkness and pushed through to the other side. I brought about many feelings and conjured up memories long forgotten. I bring you a character with ill deceit and no feelings of pain or forgiveness to those that have hurt me most. I wander in the distance and in the pain of the rain coming down like a torrent of nails hindering my every move and sight. It doesn't make for much of a story if there is no pain. I don't know how to move into this new world. I am a lost soul moving endlessly through one piece of regret while the other piece of me is lost in a unmoving satisfaction. I think a loud and realize that the man in the black hat is staring me down. I gleefully look to him with no ounce of remorse. I look deeply into his eyes as he stares me down. I realize I have the upper hand in this situation. I realize that I have won the battle of words. I know that he has nothing on me today. There have not been many days that I could say I have the triumphed over the this man with a black hat. I polish off my apple jacks and drink the milky goodness that remains in my cereal bowl. I cherish these little moments and push past the cloud of self doubt and move towards that exist. The man in the black hat mutters under his breath that there will be a next time. I twist my entire body into his direction raise my index finger and look at him assertively. Today is my day you bastard. Today is mine.